recently

I cut off all of my hair again.
I managed to obtain a job at hot topic.
I moved to layton, utah, and i've been lonely. i miss my friends and my partner.
there are fucking planes louder than thunder roaring all day, and after awhile you stop hearing them. at least, that's what i hear. currently, i still hear them. and feel them.
i went to the meteor shower, and i wished about him on every single falling rock. call it silly, but i guess i'm a little superstitious.
most of that evening felt like the script for an obvious and comedic horror plot. i feel like i need to write a horror novel now.
summer went by so quickly, but i don't care.

next tattoo

I must get a rendition of this on my lower back.

michael parkes

most amazing artist ever.

I may have to get a ton of tattoos based off his artwork.

tattoo

the wasp is a symbol of evolution, and control over our life circumstances, and the creator of the earth, and was a symbol of order, organization as well as productivity

fear

i'm graduating from high school in about a week.
i've been sober for about a month.
tomorrow marks my two month with my boyfriend.
my hair is getting long.
i'm growing up, and i'm fucking terrified.
i don't want to change, not that i'm perfect now, i'm just content with the way things are.
change scares me, even if it could potentially lead to something good.
i'm not going to have the same, dull day anymore.
it's going to be a completely different dull day.
plus, i'm going to have to join the working class soon.
i have a fucking bank account now.
yeah, not really a big deal, but it feels fucking weird.
not only that, my parents want to move in a few months.
i don't want to fucking leave, not where they're going. which then, applies a whole other pressure to make me join the working class - to get a place with my best friend.
i have $103 to my name, and no job. how the hell am i going to do this?
plus, i'll no longer be under the safety net of my parents.
and that's completely horrifying on it's own.
i guess this is what adulthood is about. is it always so scary and frantic?
things are happening much too fucking quickly, and i'm not ready.
i couldn't prepare myself, because i had no idea what i was preparing for.
it's like wearing arm floaties when jumping out of an airplane.

average

my days have become horribly dull.
i mope, bitch, and grow my hatred for people even more.
i smoke, scowl, frown, glare, and humiliate.
i use sarcasm to reflect how much i hate my life, everything, and everyone.
i talk and joke about vulgar things, even though i'm dead inside.
it's so average that my life sucks.
my little tastes of "good luck" aren't good things at all, in retrospect.
i'm sick of this normality.

FFFFF

Umm.. what?
I'm frustrated.
Is it okay for me to feel like this? Or am I being a paranoid, psychotic prick like usual?
Nothing in my life is making sense to me.
And what exactly am I supposed to be doing for people?
Performing?
I don't know how to play some roles anymore, or at least more sanely.
I'm not crazy or anything, I just want to do things right, in as many ways as I can.
I want to know if the doubts and/or feelings that I'm having are normal.
Perhaps these thought-evoking feelings are part of a transitional phase of me growing up?
Maybe I'm just too high.
Happy Friday the 13th.

fuck.

number eight

"What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask?"

well, nothing much. i'm an open book. it's not that people ask me, or don't ask me, i just tell people. or do things. i talk people's ears off, and i'm constantly busy doing something i enjoy or just being who i am. i'm not very mysterious,  although i would like to think i am.

oh my golly, websites that are fun!

 http://breadfish.de/

www.mediamuffin.com

http://www.drawastickman.com/

anxiety

anxiety comes in a lot of shapes and forms.
i, for one, have separation and attachment anxiety.
these past few days have been ridiculous.
along with the stress of graduating, my anxiety has been affecting my mood.
i'm feeling depressed and i know why, but it's a stupid reason and i'm ashamed to even have these thoughts.
you've had those feelings, right?
i'm sure you have.
i should know better, but my heart is telling me otherwise.
fuck you, heart.
fuck you.
stop being a little bitch.

angst

typical, i'm a teenage girl writing about love.
SHUDDUP.
but i can't help it.
he makes me feel naive and happy again.
he makes me feel full of happiness and innocence.
take me away, take me away, and someday we will die together.
i love you.

number seven

"Name your most cherished childhood memory."

I don't remember a lot of my childhood.
but my most cherished memory is when i was with my family at the south towne mall food court.
i was young, about 5 or 6.
it was my first time seeing a black family.
and i flipped tits.
tits were flipping all over the place.
i yelled, "mom, dad! what's wrong with them? they're black! and they're uuugly!"
and the family just sat there.
they didn't say a thing, they didn't even glance my way.
my father is frantically shushing me, but all i say is, "no, really! look!"
i was completely flabbergasted.
i promise i'm not racist.

number six

"Who was your first crush and what made them special?"

my first crush was named dillion embreus. i was a little, annoying fuckin' grade schooler.
i basically stalked this poor kid.
there was a lot that made him special.
he was really nice to me when a lot of the kids made fun of me.
he had these adorable freckles and full lips, with long, shaggy, blond hair.
i liked him since 2nd grade to 9th grade.
i wonder where he is, what he's like, and what he's doing all of the time.

number five

"What music album would be used for a movie about your life?"

i'm skipping this.
'cause it's fucking stupid.

" If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind?"

there's a lot i would change about myself.
the first thing i'd change is how fucking hypersensitive i am to fuckin' everything.
i'd rather be numb, to be honest, but everything affects me so powerfully.
it's exhausting,

number four

"Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it."

My room is filled with useless possessions.
I think my favorite useless possession is a Barbie doll leg that my friend gifted me.

number three

"What 5 websites do you visit often, and why?"

1. Facebook -
Why the fuck not?

2. 4chan -
We all have our guilty pleasures.

3. Gaiaonline -
Again, guilty pleasures.

4. Reddit -
Because I have no life.

5. Pornhub -
Because porn is hilarious.

number two

"Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced."

i lost time.
i spent too much time on nothingness, it feels like.
my young teenage years are filled with a lot of emptiness and mistakes, and there's nothing i can do to get it back.

ya.

i hate everyone, to get started.
i generally feel really empathetic, but i'm sick of it.
i love the people i love, but i still hate them.
hey.
you.
yeah, you.
i fucking hate you.
yeah, i am serious.
my life sucks a lot of the time. i'm getting high a lot, and that's helping me escape a bit.
but escaping is a bad thing to do.
i'm escaping to my past. been very nostalgic lately.
and i am currently trying to satisfy it until it's too late.
but it's hard, because i have learned just how shitty everything is.
it's hard to take the shit-colored glasses off when they have been on.
 i feel like some tragic thing has happened in my life recently, but nothing has.
i'm in a weird grieving state of emotion.
hard to figure out why.
i'm trying to let go of a lot of emotional baggage.
a lot of things have affected me, and keep affecting me, and i need to figure out how to get past them.
i'm trying to be free from everything.
true freedom is without pain, without agony and fear.
but i'm too attached to my emotions and the things around me to truly be free from myself, objects, and others.
i don't think enlightenment of such could ever happen in my life time.
I live in a little castle, my room is in a tall tower.
my room is covered in parts of myself. art, tickets, obsessions of the past.
i'm scared to come down.