recently

I cut off all of my hair again.
I managed to obtain a job at hot topic.
I moved to layton, utah, and i've been lonely. i miss my friends and my partner.
there are fucking planes louder than thunder roaring all day, and after awhile you stop hearing them. at least, that's what i hear. currently, i still hear them. and feel them.
i went to the meteor shower, and i wished about him on every single falling rock. call it silly, but i guess i'm a little superstitious.
most of that evening felt like the script for an obvious and comedic horror plot. i feel like i need to write a horror novel now.
summer went by so quickly, but i don't care.

next tattoo

I must get a rendition of this on my lower back.

michael parkes

most amazing artist ever.

I may have to get a ton of tattoos based off his artwork.

tattoo

the wasp is a symbol of evolution, and control over our life circumstances, and the creator of the earth, and was a symbol of order, organization as well as productivity

fear

i'm graduating from high school in about a week.
i've been sober for about a month.
tomorrow marks my two month with my boyfriend.
my hair is getting long.
i'm growing up, and i'm fucking terrified.
i don't want to change, not that i'm perfect now, i'm just content with the way things are.
change scares me, even if it could potentially lead to something good.
i'm not going to have the same, dull day anymore.
it's going to be a completely different dull day.
plus, i'm going to have to join the working class soon.
i have a fucking bank account now.
yeah, not really a big deal, but it feels fucking weird.
not only that, my parents want to move in a few months.
i don't want to fucking leave, not where they're going. which then, applies a whole other pressure to make me join the working class - to get a place with my best friend.
i have $103 to my name, and no job. how the hell am i going to do this?
plus, i'll no longer be under the safety net of my parents.
and that's completely horrifying on it's own.
i guess this is what adulthood is about. is it always so scary and frantic?
things are happening much too fucking quickly, and i'm not ready.
i couldn't prepare myself, because i had no idea what i was preparing for.
it's like wearing arm floaties when jumping out of an airplane.

average

my days have become horribly dull.
i mope, bitch, and grow my hatred for people even more.
i smoke, scowl, frown, glare, and humiliate.
i use sarcasm to reflect how much i hate my life, everything, and everyone.
i talk and joke about vulgar things, even though i'm dead inside.
it's so average that my life sucks.
my little tastes of "good luck" aren't good things at all, in retrospect.
i'm sick of this normality.

FFFFF

Umm.. what?
I'm frustrated.
Is it okay for me to feel like this? Or am I being a paranoid, psychotic prick like usual?
Nothing in my life is making sense to me.
And what exactly am I supposed to be doing for people?
Performing?
I don't know how to play some roles anymore, or at least more sanely.
I'm not crazy or anything, I just want to do things right, in as many ways as I can.
I want to know if the doubts and/or feelings that I'm having are normal.
Perhaps these thought-evoking feelings are part of a transitional phase of me growing up?
Maybe I'm just too high.
Happy Friday the 13th.